King Cake

Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday. Carnival. A time of partying, hanging out in the street, drinking from sunup to long past sundown, and fighting small children for plastic trinkets. What holds it all together? What is the glue that keeps it from becoming just another drunken debauche? In two words, King Cake.

Now, in classical New Orleans and Cajun (because let's face it, NO ONE CARES ABOUT MOBILE MARDI GRAS) tradition, the cake has a figurine or two baked into it, usually a baby in modern times but formerly the three magi, the virgin, or even coins. Not many people even know or care about the religious connotations traditionally associated with the cake, so do what you want. Me, I do coins. Whatever you bake in, it's probably best to make sure it won't melt in there and is safe to put in your mouth. Best to avoid glass, then.

Now, some people are purists and like plain cake. Some people like filling. That's entirely up to you, and you can make any kind of filling you want, but we're giving the recipe for a basic cream cheese filling. Also, you can ice it however you want, but we're giving you a method for making caramel icing. Feel free to add filling and icing recipes to the article, if you want!

The Cake
Not all that hard. Mix your milk and sugar and make a yeast starter. Basically, let the yeast wake up and get used to eating sugar--about ten minutes will work. Then add your yolks and butter to that. Get another bowl for the dry ingredients, mix them, then fold into your liquid a bit at a time to get a dough going. Knead it out on a floured surface for 8-10 minutes, adding flour until it's a smooth, buttery dough ball. Toss that in a greased bowl covered with a damp towel to rise for a few (2-3) hours.
 * 2 packets dry yeast
 * 1/2 cup sugar
 * 1 cup warm milk
 * 1/2 cup melted (but not too hot) butter
 * 5 egg yolks
 * 4 cups flour
 * 2 teaspoons salt
 * 1 tablespoon cinnamon
 * optional: vanilla, orange, and/or lemon extract (add to liquids as desired, typically 1/2 to 1 tsp or so)

Now roll that dough out into a long, thin rectangle. If you're going to stuff your cake, put your filling in the rectangle and roll it up. If not, just roll it up and link the ends together to form a torus--that's classy for doughnut. Either way, shove your trinket of choice into the cake (seriously, make sure it's not something that will melt or break; if you're unsure, just put it in after the bake). Now, if you want a light, fluffy cake, let it rise another couple of hours. If you want a thick, dense cake, skip that and bake.

Bake at 350 F for 45 minutes, or until the top gets to be a nice tan brown. Pull it out, do whatever icing you want, and find some way to color the top purple, green, and gold--the colors of Justice, Power, and Faith chosen for Mardi Gras by Grand Duke Alexis Alexandrovitch Romanoff in 1872. In New Orleans. SUCK ON THAT, MOBILE.

Cream Cheese Filling

 * 2 (8 oz) packages cream cheese
 * 1 cup powdered sugar

Nobody doesn't like cream cheese, and it's the most common filling you can find in a lot of king cakes. Just heat the cream cheese up a little, usually a quick microwave of 20 seconds or so, and fold the powdered sugar in. It's a simple recipe, and you can add to it whatever you see fit--a little vanilla is good. It's so simple, you might consider stuffing everything you bake with it. I would.

Caramel Topping
You like caramel. You do. It's awesome. But the idea of cooking sugar to skin-burning temperatures in your kitchen is absolutely terrifying. So skip that. Get a can of condensed milk. Tear off that label that tells you not to heat the can, and boil that can for two hours, making sure the water covers the can at all times. You'll want to open it carefully afterward, and definitely use your second best can opener--the caramel wants out of that can bad, dude--but once you do, BOOM. Caramel. pour or spoon or spread it liberally on top of your cake, then add your colors.