John's Lebanese Tea

Sweet. Lemony. Floral. Kind of addictive. Probably used secretly in mind control experiments. Absolutely delicious with honey whiskey. Lebanese Tea!

History and Notes
So, before I give you the recipe, some history. Lebanese Tea is thought to have originated at Mona's in New Orleans, a Greek and Lebanese restaurant that is an absolute institution in the city. There is, of course, actual Lebanese Tea in Lebanon, but it's not the weird fusion of tea, lemon, and sugar that we know, which is based partially on classical Southern sweet tea. From Mona's it went out to other Greek and Lebanese restaurants, and up to a few years ago you straight up couldn't get it up North or in places it hadn't yet spread to. My version is based on the Albasha's version, because other variants from the original Mona's version use rose syrup and pomegranate syrup, which are harder to find than rose water. Pine nuts are optional. Me, I don't like them in a drink. Great in a trail mix, though.

Yes, you're going to need to find your local international grocery and get decent rose water. Don't go to fucking Whole Foods, because $10 for five ounces of rose water (and shitty rose water, at that) is terrible. It's expensive, it's awful, and it makes you look like an asshole. Get the big fancy bottle of the good stuff for $5 from your local international store, instead. You'll thank me. Also, seriously, patronize your local international grocery. There's good stuff, and the folks there will be happy to see you. Pick up some dolmades while you're there. Bring them to me. Also, Pocky. Because Pocky is the shit.

Recipe
Easy as it gets. You'll need: Simple, simple stuff. Get you a gallon pot, fill it up, and get it boiling. None of that sissy "there's bubbles on the bottom" shit, but a good roiling boil. Kill the heat, then toss in four tea bags (if you're using standard sized bags; if you're getting fancy and using loose leaf or some shit, why are you listening to me?) and let it all steep for ten to fifteen minutes. Or, you know, however long it takes before you remember you were doing this. You should have a pot of deep, dark tea. Mmm. For a gallon, I go a cup of sugar and a cup of Splenda. You could, honestly, go all Splenda, all sugar, or replace both with honey or agave nectar or your sweetener of choice, but I do a cup each real and fake sugar. Stir that shit in. Mmmm. Now you want to add your lemon juice. Generally speaking, it's around a cup or so, but really you want to get that color right. You know what Lebanese tea looks like? Add it until it looks right. Now add your rosewater. I go about two ounces (four tablespoons) per gallon. Really, a bit more, because I keep pouring into my tablespoon as I dump the last pour, so it probably comes out closer to 2.5 oz or something, but again, to taste. I love rosewater, so. Dump all of it into a good tea pitcher that you obviously have because you live in or are from the South and of course you have a gallon pitcher for tea of various kinds, right? Chill it in the fridge like sweet tea, drink it like crack.
 * 4 bags Good black tea. I use Community.
 * 1-ish cups Lemon juice. Get the real stuff. Sicilian lemon juice is the bomb.
 * 2 oz Rose water.
 * 2 cups Sugar and/or Splenda. Some of us ain't trying to become diabetics, yo.
 * Potable Water
 * Fire
 * A sweet tea pitcher. You have one. Did you look under the sink? What about that cabinet over the oven? You've got one somewhere.

Variants and Misc
"I want to use honey!" So use it.

"I want to use rose syrup and pomegranate syrup!" So do so. Careful, though, a lot goes a long way. When I made it with rose syrup it was so cloyingly sweet I dumped the batch.

"It's not REALLY Lebanese tea without pine nuts/syrup/some obscure equipment or method." OK, fine, so it's not REALLY Lebanese tea, then. And? Eat me.

"Where does a fat Irish guy get off making Lebanese Tea and acting like he knows what's up?" Well, here's the thing, cockmongrel. Lebanese tea is an American invention and I make a good version of it. Also, how you think I got fat? I eat a lot of Greek and Lebanese food, and I can tell the difference between Greek and Lebanese, which is more than most hipsters who call appropriation on me can say. So back off.

"I heard Lebanese Tea started at some place other than Mona's!" That's fine. No one is ever certain where stuff like this starts, so there's always claimants. I just happen to believe the story that a place I love in a city I love and come from is to blame for this gloriousness, so pardon my local pride.

"Is it gluten free?" Go fuck yourself. Some people actually have real health problems, and would know not to ask a question this fucking stupid. Stop.